Israel to supply nuclear weapons to Taiwan and Ukraine in retaliation for Russia and China helping Iran get nukes (a parody)
by Daniel Ben Abraham
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hello Vladimir, how are you?
Vladimir Putin: Zdrastvuy, Benjamin, how var going?
Benjamin Netanyahu: I should ask you the same.
Vladimir Putin: Is good. We vill vin, no matter vat. Even if ve hyev to destroy hol vold!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Listen, I wanted to inform you, that unfortunately, we will be supplying nuclear weapons to Ukraine, Chechnya, Baltics, and some other enemies of yours.
Vladimir Putin: Vat? How dare you!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, unfortunately, we have to.
Vladimir Putin: You cannot do zis!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why not, Vladimir?
Vladimir Putin: Zey may use zem against Russia.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Eh, maybe they won’t.
Vladimir Putin: How can you be so relax?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, can’t we say the same for Iran?
Vladimir Putin: You better not do zis! It can cause larger var, or nuclear var.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Can’t your support for Iran now acquiring nuclear weapons do the same?
Vladimir Putin: Da, I suppose, but this put US in danger …Benjamin, you are Jewish! You cannot recklessly endanger the world like we can!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Vladimir, you know very well nuclear Islamic extremism is dangerous…Oh, I have to go, I have a call on the other line. (clicks over) Hello?
President Xi: Hello Misa Netanyahu.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hello President Xi, I was just talking to Vladimir.
President Xi: What this I hear you say you going to give nuclear weapon to Taiwan?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh yes, I was going to call you and tell you as soon as I got off the phone with Vladimir.
President Xi: But you cannot do this!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why not?
President Xi: Because nuclear weapon dangerous. And they may use them against China when we try to unify.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh, I’m not too worried about that.
President Xi: No, WE worry about that. How can you not be?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well Iran said they would wipe Israel off the map. Taiwan never said that. You’re actually putting us in much more danger.
President Xi: It common sense this increase danger for whole wold!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh, also, we will be giving nuclear weapons to the dissidents in Hong Kong, Vietnam, Malaysia, Philippines, Japan, Australia, and even the Tibetan Monks.
President Xi: What?? That could result in nuclear war fo us!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Interesting that that’s your concern. Vlad was concerned about the same thing if we give his enemies nuclear weapons.
President Xi: But you are Jewish. You are supposed to be wise and moral. We can do whatever we want. Not you!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, why are you only concerned about nuclear weapons in the hands of your enemies, but not the Ayatollah who says he will wipe Israel off the map? China is also concerned about the spread of Islamic extremism.
President Xi: Spread of Islamic extremism dangerous…in China. If spread to cause trabo in rest of world, is good for China. China become more powefo while rest of world struggle with problems, hehe.
Benjamin Netanyahu: We are all safer without a nuclear Iran….Oh, hold on, I’m getting another call. (clicks over) Hello?
Emmanuel Macron: Bon jour, Benyamin!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hey, Emanuel.
Emmanuel Macron: I also have Olaf on the line.
Olaf Scholz: Allo Benjamin!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hello Olaf. How are you?
Olaf Scholz: Listen, Emmanuel and I are very concerned.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why?
Emmanuel Macron: Olaf, allow me? We are concerned that you are risking e dangerous war.
Benjamin Netanyahu: We are? How? We were literally just attacked out of the blue.
Emmanuel Macron: Well, you are being very hard on ze Palestinians.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, we are trying to eliminate Hamas. We don’t want this level of terrorism.
Emmanuel Macron: Well neither do we in France. But here we just arrest one or two, and give them a small fine. After all, we don’t want to be called racist.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Emanuel, defending oneself from terrorism is not racist.
Emmanuel Macron: And just because the Palestinians are trying to destroy you for 75 years, you are suggesting some of them who want to leave should be allowed to go elsewhere?
Benjamin Netanyahu: It’s common sense. Israel took in millions of refugees, so did Europe. Why shouldn’t other Arab countries help their own people who want to leave?
Emmanuel Macron: And what’s dis about a potential conflict with Iran?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well they are about to obtain nuclear weapons.
Emmanuel Macron: Oh, don’t worry about dis.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why not? They said they would “wipe Israel off the map”.
Emmanuel Macron: Oh, no I was talking to Olaf.
Olaf Scholz: Ya, not vorried.
Emmanuel Macron: If Iran uses nuclear weapons, it will just be against Israel. Europe will be safe for at least one or two more years before Iran starts to target Europe. And I don’t sink dey would do it, we have such good food after all.
Olaf Scholz: Ya, even zen, zey probably just blackmail us for a while first.
Emmanuel Macron: I will be long gone out of office by then, on a beach in the south of France, and cannot be blamed for dis.
Benjamin Netanyahu: But gentlemen, your European capitals will be under nuclear blackmail and your people in danger.
Emmanuel Macron: Oh, Benyamin, we cannot worry about every little sing zet may appen in ze future.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh, shoot! I forgot President Xi is still on the other line!
Emmanuel Macron: Okay Benjamin, au revoir!
Benjamin Netanyahu: (clicks over) Hello?
Mohammed bin Salman: Asalam Aleikum Benjamin! It’s MBS.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Shalom Prince! How are things in Saudi Arabia?
Mohammed bin Salman: Good, I am returning your call.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, I called to warn you that Iran is about to acquire nuclear weapons.
Mohammed bin Salman: Oh, but they have been so nice recently.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well they are tricky. Remember, they want Arabia and the whole Middle East under under their control.
Mohammed bin Salman: No, we cannot let that happen. You should stop them.
Benjamin Netanyahu: No, Prince, WE need to stop them from acquiring nuclear weapons.
Mohammed bin Salman: Oh, but they are promising to be so nice. They even told the Houthi rebels in Yemen to attack you guys instead of us.
Benjamin Netanyahu: It’s just a ploy so they can get nuclear weapons. It’s a pretend peace deal with Iran brokered by China, so Russia, China, Iran, and North Korea can just advance their own separate aggressive interests.
Mohammed bin Salman: I know, but this whole Palestinian cause thing just drives everyone crazy.
Benjamin Netanyahu: So why don’t you and the other moderate Arab states help them by taking in some Palestinians who want to leave Gaza? If Gaza is truly an open-air prison, let them go free into the whole Middle East.
Mohammed bin Salman: Well, we only want to help the Palestinians hurt Israel, not help both sides and take the pressure off the conflict! Why would we do that?
Benjamin Netanyahu: So we can work together to save you from a nuclear Iran?
Mohammed bin Salman: Oh wait, I’m getting a call from Joe.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Put him on three-way!
Joe Biden: Hey guys! How’s the weather?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Joe, these wars are terrible, and all the dictatorships of the world see there is no world’s policeman and they are uniting against the West thinking they’ll destroy us all and will cause a larger war.
Joe Biden: Hey guys! How’s the weather?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Joe, did you hear me? The wars are spreading.
Joe Biden: Oh, the wars? They’re running fine.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Joe, Iran is about to get nuclear weapons. After that, they can nuclear blackmail and terrorize all of Europe, the Middle East, and America!
Joe Biden: Well, someone should do something about that.
Benjamin Netanyahu: I agree, but America is the superpower. Why don’t you negotiate a resolution to the Ukraine war, isolate Hamas on the world stage, and unite the world against Iran’s nuclear ambitions so everyone can have peace and prosperity?
Joe Biden: You know, when I was a country boy, and I was living on a farm…
Benjamin Netanyahu: Prince, we may be on our own.
Mohammed bin Salman: Well the rest of the world is not as proactive morally. We just sit back, wait for the world to turn terrible, and let the United States save us, while we avoid the political risk of the difficult tasks.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, that’s not working now. Once Iran gets nuclear weapons, you can’t undo that.
Mohammed bin Salman: Ok, let me discuss this with Putin, the Ayatollah, and Kim, and get back to you.
Benjamin Netanyahu: But they are all out for themselves. Am I the the only rational leader in this world?
Mohammed bin Salman: I don’t know. I’ll talk to President Xi also.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Agh! I forgot about President Xi!